Happy Birthday Autumn

Today is our Dauhter's 4th Birthday. She is Celebrating in Heaven and her Spirit is with us today. It is a very Special Day.

It is difficult this year because now we have Austin. I am so happy to have Austin, but now I know what both Autumn and I have missed out on. My Heart breaks for Autumn. I try to stay positive and know that God took her for a reason.

We will raise Austin to know he has a Big Sister in Heaven looking down on him and she will play a part in his life.

Our hope for the future is to find a Gravesite for Autumn and let her Rest in Peace. It is time for us to let her be an Angel and Fly. Right now her ashes are at our home. I needed her with me and it was comforting. Now that is has been 4 years I have to give her a special place that is just for her. I will always visit and decorate her Grave.

I can't believe it has been 4 years since Autumn was born. I often think back to that day and those very special 15 days Autumn was here. She has taught both Jason and I so much about life and love and cherishing every moment.

Hope you don't mind, but I need to reflect a little about her amazing Birthday...

Back to August 16, 2003... It was a Saturday and I was stuck in the Hospital on complete Bedrest. Couldn't get up for a thing and I was so down and miserable. Well, this day was different. I was cheering up and starting to face the fact I was stuck there until I had my baby. I was 24 weeks pregnant and the baby had a small chance to live if born. The doctors were happy I was still pregnant and every extra day she stayed in there it was a Blessing. I started to turn on the Television and read books. At first I refused and would just lay there and cry ALL day. I had Jason bring my baby shower invitations and I was working on them. I figured I had to stay positive and what better way than to make the invites.

Jason needed a break that day and he went home to get some rest and spend time with the animals. My sister, Allison came to visit me and she was helping me make the invites and talking with me. She even washed my hair, which was so nice because it has been a while!! After she left I had a visitor, Kurt. He shocked me by stopping by and it was such a nice surprise. When he was there I started to feel contractions, but didn't think much of it. Then they started to feel a little stronger. After he left I told the nurses and they weren't too worried about it. After that they went away, so I didn't think much of it myself.

Jason came back up and he brought some movies he rented. We hung out for a while just talking and watching TV. We decided around 8 to watch the movie. It ended around 10 and Jason was getting ready to leave because visiting hours were over. I started to feel very uncomfortable with contractions again and told the Nurses. They said it wasn't a big deal, but I didn't agree. I didn't feel right and I kept telling them. They were reluctant, but paged a Doctor. I wouldn't let Jason leave yet, and the Nurses were annoyed. I didn't care, I was in pain and didn't want to be without him if something happened.

The Doctor came in a while later and she cheked me. I will never forget the look on her face. She yelled for a nurse and said I had to get to L&D now because I was fully dialiated and she could feel the babys head!!! I was so scared and shocked I just started to cry. The nurses told me not to worry and it will be ok. Jason looked so scared and he is usually the calm and collected one. They got me to L&D and I was all set up for pushing, but had to wait for my Doctor. They paged her and she was coming in from home. The Nurses told me to call everyone fast because this was going to be a very fast delivery and there was no telling what could happen. She said we will need support. So we called all the friends and family we could and they were up there very fast.
My Dad and Jason's Mom arrived very fast and they were going to be in the room for the delivery. The doctor got there very soon after them and she told me to push when I felt a contraction. I wasn't feeling them now because I was so nervous. She told me to just bear down and push, so I did. Jason was tolding one leg, the Nurse holding the other and my dad was holding my hand. I pushed a few more times and it was starting to hurt. My dad coudn't take it anymore and gave my hand to Jason's mom. Everyone was screaming and giving me support. Jason looked terrified and I probably did too!

After a couple more pushed she was there. They told me to look and I could see her. She cried one tiny cry. I couldn't believe how little she was. She looked like a little doll. I couldn't hold her, she was taken to the NICU Doctors right away. They started to work on her and said for her size she did look good. Jason got the chance to go over and look at her. I could only see her from a distance and it was very sad. She wasn't with me anymore and I couldn't do anything for her any longer. It was her fight now.

The Doctors took her to the NICU soon after Delivery. Family and friends came in after that and they were all very supportive. I was happy that I had my Child, but I could feel the scared feeling in the pit of my stomach how difficult this road was going to be. I was able to get up and take a shower, and that was very hard because I have been off my feet for a while. They put me in a wheelchair and took Jason and I over to see Autumn right away.

I will never forget going into the NICU. It was so sad seeing all the tiny sick Babies and their sad parents sitting near them unable to hold them. I saw Autumn and couldn't believe how tiny she was, 1lb 5oz. I asked the Nurses if she would be able to survive and they could not tell me. They said to be ready for an up and down journey while Autumn was in the NICU. They warned me how tough it was going to be and I had to stay positive. She had so many tubes and machines attached to her. The Nurses explained them all to me, but I couldn't keep track of everything. It was so sad.

I went back to my room and tried to sleep, but didn't get to sleep much. They brought me a picture of her very early in the morning. I just stared at it for a while and prayed. Jason was in the room with me and he was sleeping. He was exhausted.

It was a very tough struggle the next couple of weeks and we visited her very often. Jason would hold her tiny little hand and talk to her. I would sit by her side and talk to her. I told her about her family and all the fun things we would do once she came home. Dressing up for Halloween, Christmas and many other fun things she had to look forward to.

I'm very said to say that she didn't get to do all those things I promised she could one day do. She couldn't fight anymore and she passed away on August 31 2003. Her time here was amazing and beautiful. It was all so bittersweet. I had my first Child and I was a Mommy, but she couldn't stay here long and was called home to Heaven. I still celebrate her life. She will never be forgotten. I hope you remember her too! If you are reading this then I am sure you were a part of her life. You probably played a part in all of this. Please rememebr her today and I am sure she is doing the same for all those who prayed for her and still remember.

Autumn,

I started my day today by waking up excited by your Birthday. You are 4 years old. You should be walking around now and exploring life. Today you should have a big party with all of your Friends and Family. I can see it now, you so excited and overjoyed that so many people are getting together to celebrate your Birthday. You would be so big and growing up into an amazing girl. Would you have Curly hair like your mom or striaght hair like Dad? I think you would be tall like mommy was at your age. I can see you now so excited we are singing Happy Birthday to you, but still a little bashful at all of the Attention you are getting. Now is the best part, you are tearing through your presents so fast and so happy with all of your new toys!! Now you are playing with all your cousins and friends. You keep yelling at your Dad saying, "Daddy, watch me do this...Daddy did you see that?!?!" I look at your dad and he is watching with such a proud look on his face. He loves to spend time with you and you look up to him. You are a Daddy's Girl. After your big party you are home now and all wound up from all of the sugar and fun things you got to do that day. I see you cuddling on the couch with me and your little Brother Austin. You are such a good big sister and you love to help me with him. He just loves you and is all smiles with you. You get really tired and it is time for bed. I give you a bath and put you in your favorite pink fuzzy pajamas. I put you to bed with your favorite pink Teddy Bear that says "it's a girl!!."(From when you were Born) I sing you a song and read you a story and I think you are asleep. I get up to turn out the lights and you look up and say, "Mommy, I love you and Daddy so much" That just brings a tear to my eye and I tell you how much we love you too. You are so Beautiful and I just look at you and start to cry. My Beautiful Daughter, growing up and I am so lucky to have you Autumn. I can't tell you how loved you are because I just can't find the words to express it. Happy Birthday my little Angel, Happy Birthday.

I know you are not here, but that is how I picture your Birthday today. Please Autumn, be with us today and we Celebrate your Birthday and miss you so bad it hurts. A Child should never have to go through what you went through. A Child should never have to die. I know you were taken for a reason and I love you. Celebrate your Birthday in Heaven and do all those fun things you should do on a Birthday. You are in Heaven with many loved ones and of course Sassy. I know you love her very much just like I did when I was little. I am not there with you, but I know you are here with me. I can feel your Spirit. I love you and Happy Birhtday Autumn!

Love,
Mommy